danielramey.com ~ twilight sea

Random thoughts & ramblings

Wednesday, September 9th, 2009   -   22:30 MST

If there's one thing I hate above everything else, it's lies. If there's a second, it's helplessness. I've had my fill of both, but I just can't seem to escape them. A certain someone seems to have made a decision, so why won't they admit it? Why keep lying like this? I don't know what all is going on and I really don't care. All I want is the truth. And therein lays my helplessness. What can I do? What did I do? It's like trying to stop an avalanche with a teaspoon.

I've never been much of an optimistic person, but I tried to stay positive. I really did. Now... now what? It really doesn't seem like things will get better. Sure, it's possible, but that doesn't mean much. Anything is possible. Reality tends to be a bit more cruel and cynical than we'd all like. So where does that leave me? Do I try to keep ignoring it? Do I take some sort of stand? Do I leave? Do I stay to help? There are no answers, let alone good ones.

First it was frustration. How could two people who "loved" each other end up like this? Then it was disbelief. I couldn't even comprehend what was happening. How could I? I grew up with these people and they weren't anything like I remembered. Now it's just a dark, ugly mixture or rage and disgust. How could they do this to each other? To us? To the other family?! I don't want to end up hating them so I direct my rage at the most logical target: the slut. That's what she is after all. It's certainly not fair to place all the blame on her, but it is easy. She's easy to hate as I don't know or care about her. The others though... how could I stay angry at them? How could I even be angry at them? I don't want that. I fight against it so hard. And yet I feel like I'm slowly losing the battle.

Does that make me selfish? Is it all about me? I suppose it has to be. Then the rage turns inward. I've never been fond of myself; I wouldn't want to be my friend. That said, I've never hated myself. Why should I? Now everything is different. I wonder if maybe I could be part of the problem. Was I too much trouble? Should I have noticed the signs, the problems? Did I give unwise advice? If that's the case then I'm part of the cause and I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for that. It's completely absurd and yet there it is. It couldn't be my fault, but I'm all set to point the finger. As long as the finger isn't pointing at them, then everything seems to be fine. What a strange and silly thing, the human mind.

So, why can't I just let the fault fall where it will, not stress out, forgive, and move on? Would that be too easy? Or is it really too hard? I can't give up. That's not who I am. But I just don't know where to go from here. There isn't any marked path to follow and my map is written in a foreign language. I suppose I need a guide. I know where to go, but that's easier said than done. And the results aren't guaranteed to be pleasant. What I want won't necessarily be what He wants. And even then the result could be something different entirely. Now I'm back to frustration. >.<

It all needs to start with forgiveness, but I'm not ready for that yet. She's destroying two families. That's not a particularly small or easy thing to forgive. I sure hope she's happy though... because no one else is.

Musical Spotlight:

Music from "Evangelion: 1.0" You Are (Not) Alone
(KICA 887)

Disc 01, Track 11: "Mecanisme de Defense (EM13)"
     - Composer: Shiro Sagisu
     - Orchestrator: Shiro Sagisu
     - Conductor: Shiro Sagisu

This is an odd choice for the musical spotlight, but I had been wanting to showcase some Evangelion music and this song sort of fit my mood. :3 Allow me to start off by being completely honest: I never really liked this piece. It worked well in context, but I generally skipped it on the soundtrack. I mean, just listen to it! It starts off kind of slow and ambient and then just turns dissonant and unpleasant; not really my cup of tea. Over time though it has started to grow on me. It still annoys me when it catches me off guard, but when I'm in the right mood this song can be great.

The first thing of note is the drastic contrast between the opening and the rest of the piece. This is because the song (at least in the TV version) spans two rather different scenes. It's an abrupt shift, but necessary for context. I don't have any strong feelings about the opening one way or another. It serves it's purpose and then gets out of the way. I do like the extra emphasis on the strings in this version though. I don't remember noticing them in the TV version. Were they even there? Now I have to check. XD

The rest of the song is a different story though. The bass parts are fantastic! You have a great moving bass line with the punches over the top and the whole thing is nicely complemented by the sequenced percussion and screeching strings. It sends just a little shiver down your back while also kicking your heart up a notch or two. Next you have the upper brass (horns and trumpets) playing (at different parts of the song) both a short, melodic motive and sliding to these clustered, unpleasant chords. If you didn't feel a shiver run down your spine before, then you certainly will now. :p Like I said, normally not my cup of tea, but I've really come to appreciate this piece. It really does work wonderfully in the TV series and, I assume, the movie as well.

Buy Music from "Evangelion: 1.0" You Are (Not) Alone by Shiro Sagisu from:

• Amazon.com
• CDJapan.co.jp
• Play-Asia.com
• Otaku.com